Relationships

by

Being Rejected

Being Rejected

I call this Rejection Principle. I have seen it happen over and over. It begins when there is a sense that there is something wrong in the relationship. There are definite break-up signs. It’s a change in pattern. A lack of intimacy or affection where there used to be an abundance. Constant calls and texts become less and less frequent. Your partner spends more time away and makes excuses not to see you. This is the start of Rejection.

Usually there is a person rejecting and a person rejected. The rejector has made the decision that the relationship is over. Both know the relationship is over on some level but there is usually one who initiates the break-up. The person rejecting is mostly ok. It’s the rejected who experiences the pain.

It’s not that the person rejecting is that great. Usually they’re not. It’s actually the pain of being rejected that hurts the most. Most think this pain is love for their former partner. But it’s rejection, not love. This phenomenon is similar to misattribution of arousal in psychology. This is where people mistakenly label what is causing them to feel aroused. Love is not painful.

It is tempting to remember only the good times. To think what you had was so great. Think about it though. For a relationship to end it must have become lousy. Both were unhappy. Most of the time things were not going well towards the end. It is important to remember this. Yet much of the time the rejected will do anything to get their ex back.

The drive to get your ex back is to re-establish the feeling of being wanted and loved. It is to prove you can win your ex again. But even if you got your ex back then things would revert to being mediocre and unsatisfying. If a relationship ends then it is usually for a good reason. You both know it’s no longer working. And you have known this for a while.

You have to be rational in a break-up. As hard as this is. Override the emotions. Your emotions will make you crazy. You send 30 texts a day. You worry that your ex is out at bars looking for a new partner. You drive past your ex’s place at 3 am to see if there is another car out the front. You imagine your ex having sex with a stranger. You may even verge on becoming a stalker.

Your desperation will push your ex further away. So don’t call, don’t text, don’t chase. Let your ex know what it is to miss you. Walk away. Don’t force a failing relationship. Let it go and learn from it. Live a rich life. Rediscover friendships. Enjoy your own company. Meditate and connect inwardly. Love yourself and increase your self-esteem. This will make you more attractive. Then find someone who will love you again. Preferably your soul mate.

by

Clock-in Calls

I don’t like clock-in calls. These calls are made to your partner when you don’t have anything to say. They are just to hear your partner’s voice. Sometimes they are made several times a day. You know it’s a clock-in call when the conversation comes quiet. Or you make small talk. Or you struggle to think of what to say. Clock-in calls are a sign of insecurity. Treat a relationship as you would a friendship. A call once a day is cool. Or if you have something important to say. Or you need to clarify something. Don’t call if your partner is out with friends and you want to check in.

by

Relationship Killers

These are ways to kill a relationship:

1)      Not communicating. The inability to talk about issues or discuss feelings leads to simmering resentment. Issues fester and people become more and more discontent. It is important to speak your truth in relationships and communicate exactly how you feel. If something hurts or annoys you then talk about it. If you are unhappy bring it up.

Issues will arise in any relationship no matter who you are with. You have to be prepared to work through them. Speaking your truth can initially be difficult but don’t be afraid. Talking about issues can heal a relationship. Communication means broaching issues maturely and calmly. Not shouting or arguing.

2)      Too much time together. You revolve your life around your partner and do everything together. It’s called co-dependence and is so unattractive. You will begin to take each other for granted and the spark will die. It is integral to have your own life, friends and interests.

3)      Too much time apart. Relationships are a balancing act. Just as too much time together is destructive so is too much time apart. A relationship is like a flower. It needs nurturing. If you are away a lot then plan to have special time together.

4)      Neglecting friends. If you disappear when in a relationship your friends will resent you. There is an old saying that partners may come and go but friends are forever. Friends support you and make you laugh. Make time for your friends. And unless it’s a couple’s night don’t bring your partner.

5)      Neediness. Don’t look for someone to fill your need for love or affection. Practice self-love before beginning a relationship. Be comfortable with who you are. Enjoy your own company. When you love yourself then a partner will actually love you even more.

6)      Being a submissive male. Men need to be masculine. This means being assertive, decisive and strong in relationships. Being unable to stand up for yourself and always deferring to your partner is a turn-off. It’s boring and she will not respect you. There are times when you need to put yourself first and do what is important for you. You need to have clear boundaries and to assert them. Being masculine doesn’t mean sacrificing kindness and affection though. These qualities are just integrated.